The Heart Swatch | A Handful of Meaningful Thoughts

There are some who freely spill their personal lives onto an online page, and everyone can with the freedom to do so but not everyone should at just any time.  I do, too, once in awhile…spill a couple of words every now and then.  I’m not made of stone.  DISCLAIMER: This is not a “kodigo (codex)” on how to figure me out, there are no tips and tricks, nor will you find “tsismis (gossip)” here…and please this is not an “I’m-single” plug.  I just want to encourage women to be more prudent, picky, and fabulous.  There have been times in the past where it’s been tempting to slap on all the feelings on relationships “Pollock” style into one post, whipping and splatting every ounce of emotion, frustration, or hope into WordPress for all the world to see.  However, unknown to many is the fact that I have loved ones who keep me in check, they’re heart watchdogs if you will (mothers and aunts who read my blog).  While they do not at all dictate what I choose to do I still look to them with the deepest respect because of the inspiring lives and perfect-imperfect marriages my parents, aunts, uncles have.  I’ve seen many of them at their best and worst but what’s amazing is as a whole, majority being more of the time, they all look like they don’t want to be with anyone else…victories, hangups, and all.  That’s why I don’t talk about what’s in my heart a lot online, because it’s a precious ounce of me and because it’s not always Spiritually prudent to do so.  Today I am led deeply to talk about this.  Once in awhile, I do go on a personal tangent like this just to let you guys know I do have a beating heart that is my own and to see if I can encourage or touch any of you with something other than a photo of lipstick or nail polish.  That was a long intro, but the rest of this should be relatively quick-er…lies.

emma gwyneth paltrow_02

In case you were wondering…the Jane Austen heroine (women who find true love are heroines) I pretty much feel I can relate to or feel similar to is EMMA.  First, I look like Gwyneth Paltrow and I’m married to Chris Martin, I’ve been spoiled (in the best sense) but I am not a brat, I’m as stubborn as an ox, I’m snarky, thoughtful but not sweet (don’t let my smiley face deceive you), once in awhile because I’m so opinionated (oracle tendency) I let words fly and get into trouble unintentionally then I have to dig myself out but won’t ever hesitate to apologize.  I’m prayerful especially at the end of my rope (so is she).  Plus, ugh confession, I like playing cupid and try to match friends without them knowing and I take a step back to watch my handiwork potentially unfold (haha, are you a victim? You will never know…)

We begin with a name, Jane Austen.  As women today, we revere the brilliant author for her ability to fulfill every woman’s romantic desire and staggering hope within a few hundred pages, but we have also been forewarned to not base or align our real life hopes in the manner that Jane’s women have in the stories.  So shouts the world: “for crying out loud, Ladies, Jane ended up dying alone…don’t believe her…” that isn’t fair.  Gone are the ‘olden’ days, people say now, today is a new age…don’t set your expectations too high or you’ll end up alone.  Alone in a Queen size bed…alone, possibly, yes, but in the long-run HELLO at least not besieged by the wrong person who might also be besieged by me!  My prized morning breath is on reserve (he’s so blessed, lol).  Yea, I’m picky but I’m way too much of a cheesy romantic to don the “down-with-love” feminist cap, okay.  I’m not like that at all. People have been asking why I’m 30 already and still single… typical ask-a-roo at this point but I really don’t blame them,  it’s a fair question.  Truth is I don’t really know *shoulder shrug* and don’t really have a straight-up answer that I’m not required to give, it is what it is…my personal knight just hasn’t been discovered.  I’m not on a MAN BAN ayt?! LOL!  My last relationship (which was my 2nd) ended a while back and I just found myself about to turn 30.  I’ve known for awhile that I’m an old soul and late bloomer (still working on the independence tab), a true slow boiler, I’ve felt it ever since I was in grade school…I’ve always been slower than most people at almost everything (except studies, writing, and drawing, I’d just turned 16 when I entered U.P.).  Point that eases any tension: I am loved in more ways than one, and I know it to my bones…so I can’t keep from smiling on the outside.  Which is why I don’t cry myself to sleep at night while eating ice cream (puh-leez w/ a head shimmy) begging to be hitched or anything like that.  I just watched Sense & Sensibility with my folks and Dad cried (he’s an action guy who plays Call of Duty Ghosts and he finished S&S crying).  If you haven’t watched any Jane Austen film yet, try Emma, it’s a good JA starter that won’t make your nose bleed as much.    I told myself once that the bottled romance in my heart had a soundtrack…for a long time I kept hearing a tune played in my head, for years I couldn’t remember what movie it was.  When I replayed the movie Emma last year after many years I froze…it was the music…the music I’d been looking for, you can listen to the Emma track here, don’t worry it’s an instrumental, no spoilers :).  My Pangilinan grandfather (father of 9) was recently confined in the ICU, thankfully he’s out already, but while he was there he had a moment of present-mindedness …he recognized me near his bedside. Once before, in college, he advised me “Hindi bagay sayo ang okay lang…(Satisfactory doesn’t suit you)” a one liner that would continue to guide me in every relevant life aspect love included. This time he asked if I was married already, I said no, and he said “Good.  You have waited this long already for the right one, you can wait a little longer para MASAKTO MO NA.  Be patient.  Be sure.”  Incidentally, his wife’s name…is Emma :).

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  • I love what your grandfather has said. Though I’m only 25, people are already asking me why I’m still single, when my bf and I are about to enter our 5th year together, I don’t know the answer as well. Personally, I feel like getting married is just a validation, I’m secure enough with my relationship that I don’t rush into getting married for fear of losing him.

    Ayan, i’ve said na what’s on my heart. i wish i could copy paste my answer whenever someone asks me again. Hehe

  • I love this post! 🙂 i love what your lolo said, too! <3

  • Beautifully written 🙂 Don’t settle for any less than what you deserve… I so love reading your posts 🙂 Happy New Year!