I’ve been having bouts of interrupted sleep and waking up at this way too early hour of about 3am. Yesterday it was understandable, because the other night I made the mistake of taking an early nap at 6pm I then woke up at 9 or 10pm and that was not a good idea.
I didn’t expect that I’d wake up at this hour again, because I went to bed this time at about…10pm. Restless, once again, in the inmost part.
I listed things and a few tickboxes down for this week in my neat little planner, and finally dove into updating this website in preparation for more writing and sharing opportunities this year (which involved tweaking nervously, refreshing, coding, posting, running stats, and staring at the site to check for hours on end). That tickbox is finally done, but I still feel extremely unaccomplished and sluggish…and in an odd out of the blue way, doubtful and disappointed of myself on all fronts just for this week. I think January can sometimes do that to a person. It’s a temporary sort of bubble I know, but I don’t like being here and refuse to stay here. I want out. There was a story this beloved school chaplain of ours in high-school shared with some of us, and we were close to him. It was about this honor student who achieved the highest grade point average of his entire university batch and graduated Summa Cum Laude, but in life, at work he was a failure and unable to move forward because of a couple of internal glitches or life skills lacking. We were encouraged to not be like the student in the story. I remember telling myself firmly “I won’t be like him.” Yet here I am in the middle of the night just like Frodo, with the ring between his fingers, staring frightfully at Gollum. I’m feeling very much like my tangled earphones.
This is why I scratch my head when some people look at me like they think I’ve got it made and I bat my curled lashes in disbelief. I won’t throw myself under the bus, but all I’ll say is, not all is ever as it seems outside the glass of someone else’s aquarium, my friend. Even if you pray everyday, sometimes the things you expect to happen by the time you’ve made some but not all the necessary adjustments…just don’t happen within your happy-to-report timeframe, I’m talking about work. It gets even harder and embarrassing when more than a handful of people around you begin asking questions like “Why don’t you have a car?” or “Why don’t you just go abroad and travel for a couple of months?” or the worst one I never agree to heed as a solution “Go shopping…” and you just want to crawl into a hole and go away…or for now just into bed beside my cat. Pessimism isn’t my strong suit, but honesty always is.
Why am I here? Why am I not yet there? Just then, old Maggie resurfaced…
“It used to be about doing something. Now it’s about trying to be someone.” – MARGARET THATCHER
One day at a time. Now to bed.